Forever fleeting, neverending loneliness.

I wish you know that sometimes you do things that upsets me, and in turn makes me trust you less. You don’t see how you “subconsciously” flirt with others. Or how people perceive your friendliness as flirting, and it pisses me off that you don’t believe me. I don’t care if you don’t care, but I do. Maybe I shouldn’t give you my heart.

Honestly, ever since we’ve been together I have ignored the opposite sex just to honor our relationship. It’s hard for me to trust you when you don’t show the same effort. You know that I’ve been cheated on that’s why I’m so paranoid. I wish you’d just break up with me sometimes…

I said “I love you” when we were only going out for about four months, and it was obvious you didn’t return the same feelings. That was such a mistake. And ever since then I couldn’t muster those words anymore. I hope you learned your lesson. You’d sometimes whisper those words to me now, but I can’t say it back… I don’t think I ever will now.

I think we’re not fit for each other. No matter how much I love you, and how much you like me, I can’t handle anymore of this. I need a different kind of “affection.” What kind of relationship is this when I’m not happy at all? Everyday, I find myself constantly sighing with utter boredom and disappointment towards you. I am so unsatisfied. I had to fake my orgasms every time we have sex… I mean come on! I think the only reason I’m having trouble breaking up with you is the thought of someone else having you would kill me. I had a nightmare last night and I woke up crying and wanting to vomit. I cannot see you with someone else…

Does this mean I love you still? Or is it my possessive nature?

My brain tells me to let you go. You’re not good for me. You may not be a violent, jealous boyfriend, but you certainly am not making me feel happy in this relationship. I try, everyday, to be the best girlfriend I could be. I even accept and tolerate your addiction to playing video games. I know people who break up because the female certainly cannot dismiss the fact that her bf would pay more attention to his games than her. I, on the other hand, embrace it wholeheartedly. I make excuses for you, and I feel ashamed for myself.

I wish, for once, that I was your first priority like how you are to me.

I guess I have to learn how to care less for you.

Maybe one day, I’ll find the right kinda guy for me. No matter how much of a loving person you are, it’s not the right kind… we just don’t meet up.

It really fucking hurts when our communication is going downhill this winter break. I know you’re back to your hometown but JESUS FUCK it doesn’t take that much effort to say hello for once. Why am I ALWAYS the one fucking initiating just to hear from you. Am I really that easy to forget? What the fuck do you do there that is so darn interesting that you forget in 24 hours to think about me (your girlfriend) for one second. I am not making any fucking sense right now because I am that FUCKING PISSED at your insensitive, god awful way of forgetting me. You don’t text/call in the morning, you don’t text/call at night. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???? I’m just fucking pissed and hurt right now, I don’t even know what to think or do……..

Are you punishing me because when you ACTUALLY called I was out with friends and having a good time? What, do you want me to stay at home all winter break and just wait on your ass? You know that every time there’s a lack of communication between us, my mind goes to bad places. The scenarios I’m thinking about right now as to why you haven’t shown any sign of trying to get hold of me is pretty much painfully killing me right now. I FUCKING HATE YOU. Why is it that I think that you’ll ever change… you ALWAYS get back to your old ways of ignoring me, without even realizing what it’s doing to me.

I don’t even know anymore. I just fucking don’t. You can’t even text me first? This whole time I’ve been the one texting “good morning” or “how are you?” and shit.

Thank you for ruining my holidays you selfish prick. If ever we still talk and keep this relationship (for some fucking miracle) THIS, what you’re doing right now, I WILL NEVER LET THIS GO. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS. Even if I try to act like it’s nothing. THIS WILL ALWAYS BE ON YOUR RECORD. I hope you get run over by a huge ass motherfucking reindeer.

Okay so, I called you because my phone was broken and I felt bad that I missed your call even though you told me you will. So the whole day all I kept worrying about is you. I went to the Apple Store and they couldn’t fix my phone… now all the pictures I’ve taken are lost.

Anywho, so I finally called you (using my old phone) and the first thing I hear is a girl’s voice. Which I thought was just your cousin. The whole time it was too loud to even hear you talk. And one of your guy friends kept talking to you even though you’re on the phone with me. Which I thought was totally rude, but whatever right? Cuz what I feel and what I think does not matter to you. Cuz when I started to get impatient with all the distractions you just said out loud, “Well cuz now you’re getting mad at me.” Well no shit Sherlock! I mean, can’t you just go somewhere less busy for a few minutes to talk to me straight and not get distracted and get the phone call over with rather than dragging it long because you simply can’t leave your “boys.”

I get that you’re on vacation, but seriously, you can’t even give me a few minutes of your time when all I worried about was missing your call the whole day. It would’ve been so much easier (and we wouldn’t have argued) if you just took a few minutes away from them. That’s all I was hoping for, was to talk to you a ‘lil bit. But like always, I’m put second (or third). I’m sick and tired of always putting you first and I don’t get the same treatment.

At this point, I really won’t mind if we just drift apart and break up. You haven’t changed… I wish you a happy christmas.

I don’t want to feel crappy all the time anymore. I’m always the one hurting and crying in this relationship and you just stand there not caring. I am wasting my time with someone who’s not as serious as I am when it comes to the relationship. And I can’t believe I still ordered your x-mas gift. You don’t deserve anything from me. I wish I had no feelings, so it would be a lot easier for me to move on and forget about you completely.

And you kept repeating out loud that I was mad, infront of those people. And you’re like “well they don’t care,” well I do! I don’t want to sound like a total bitch infront of your friends/family but you just kept on going. I fucking hate you.

I need to wake up one day and just stop loving you. I am making myself miserable because of you. And I have no one to talk to. I am alone in all this madness and confusion and hurt. Why can’t you understand? I can’t wait… I can’t wait for the day when I just stop caring. That’s the problem. I care too much about you, and you don’t even think about me.

I’m dying. I need to get myself back on my feet. I really shouldn’t need you. You’re not good for me.